Revelations (Im writing this in a pathetic hangover.. Fuck!)

Just a disclaimer.. I consumed beer (it was just 11.4% alcohol) and Im getting a serious hangove now. Its probably cos I drank two half-bottles of beer in one go... Silly hor... Well I did it. Some of the silly things we do during guys nights out..

Went to a social work visit at a Family Service Centre in Admiralty.. CareCorner FSC-Admiralty... Its quite a conducive place.. And I was the one with the most qns again. (Somehow this nature of questioning in me really makes me think that I can be a philosopher but I think there are other subjects which requires my attention first).. Going to SANA on Friday.. Still need to write reports and analysis on the visits... So gonna die.. So lagging behind..

I met my buds at Lot One for dinner after the social work visits. Went to some Malay/Thai? restaurant where we ordered mostly spicy stuff.. I must say its really hot.. The tomyam soup tasted more sour than anything but the stingray and sotong were more than edible. It was good, per pax around 14 at most for a 4 course meal.. If I do bring anyone there, please remind me not to order the satay cos it's bad. The chicken one is edible but the beef sucks.

Then we went to a park where there's this really big playground. Its the kind with sand instead of the rubbery plastic surface so it brings back memories.. Forgive the childishness but we were throwing sand at each other half the time. It really destresses quite a bit. Great playground and its just next to that restaurant.. Good ambience.. I gotta bring ppl there to share this goodness.

Ok I cant type anymore.. Hangover is killing me.. Im getting typos at like every alternate word.

The Superficial

Everyone is staring at me today, cos I look like a terrorist. I did not shave (ppl who were lucky enough to see that devastating scene all agree on the terrorist look).

I gotta know more about some of the new gals I know around me. They are pretty nice and good to talk to yadayada... But somehow there's much more need to explore since my expectations are still left unmet. Cuteness and niceties just arent enough.

I bought cookies from the Cookie Museum.. The samples I tried were great and somehow I was tempted to get one tin.. Thats like 30 bucks la. (I will get screwed for that!) Somehow it did not taste as good when I tried it at home. Funny leh. Its still good, great but not as "wow" as the sample. So sad...

Then I remember the earphones I bought (thats like 75 or so... I will be skinned for this!!) But ITS SO WORTH IT!!... Much better than my previous earphones, with the superb bass and crisp definition.. I really had to get it!


What is superficiality? Are all the above mentioned entities reflecting superficial goodness? Or are they simply just benchmarks on whether expectations have been met?

Sooo dead la..

On introspection, I just realised that despite all the tests a person has to go thru in his/her life, there's one test which we are undergoing 24/7.. The test of patience. Think about it... So far I have not thought of a rebuttal that can refute this claim.

I also just discovered that my drivng test (yes its the retest) is on 7th December. And my last exam (which happens to be an essay based exam so I still gotta study for it) is on 4th December..

I think Im so gonna fail my driving test la... Cos I wont have time, and definitely not the spirit to practise for it. And I doubt there's enough time for post-exam trauma rehabilitation ie to chill after exams, or to weep and cry that Im gonna do badly and everything.. But of cos thats just a worst case scenario.

And I have also realised that my IPPT for reservist is due like before my next bday. Ew.. Thats another test.. I think I will just fail it, or as my friend suggested (I wonder how true it is), that army IPPT test can be deferred till we leave uni. I SO HOPE that is the case. I cant run to save myself from a rabid dog la (Ok that was definitely an exaggeration). U get the point, I cant run. I rather swim fifty rounds (untimed) than run (timed) within fifteen minutes. Basically the bracketed words explain why I hate such physical tests.

I think I will just go for the deferment shit, forgo the possible 400 I can get, provided I train, and just laze my 4 yrs by.

Life is full of tests.. I rather take the mental or emotional ones other ppl are going thru than my own physical and academic ones. Somehow I think I wont feel so shitty .. But of cos Im speaking from the top of an ivory tower. Life still sucks with all this testing la. Where are the roses?

Vacation week is here.. Along with a pinch of discourse

I happened to remember that I bumped into a blog which seems to belong to one of my lecturers. Got kpo and read it. Such devoted parents... Really wish their children and themselves live happily and healthily.

Vacation week is fraught with project group meetings, essays, studying for MCQ tests etc. I think I mentioned it already in a previous entry so I will stop the whining.

I havent got such freedom for a while ie a week's break where u can just slack it all away, or mug yr way thru. Whatever, no lessons, yr call.. Such a juicy carrot.. No wonder some ppl just cant handle freedom and their privileges.

Today's class (last day cos Im gonna skip the Fri lect cos its webcast)... was rather paisei.. I misused the word "oblivion" as the noun for "oblivious" ie "oblivion" equals something u dunno.. Well Im not exactly wrong when I checked it out after the lesson. It meant sth we are not aware of.. So if I dunno what is happening, can I say "Im in oblivion."... Dunno, no idea, avoid that word for the rest of my life... I was suggesting to the prof that "oblivion" may be a good substitute for the term "not knowing". Apparently no one said anything, (I wonder why) until some classmate next to me said that it is not supposed to be used that way... Well fine lesson learnt on my side.

The most irritating thing is that he said "U are taking English modules, how can u mistake the use of this word?!" OMG... Hello, Im not God of Words or whatever.. So pissed when I heard that sia. For one thing, if he thinks Im ignorant, maybe he is more.To clarify, just cos its an English module doesnt mean that I shld be good at Eng, or that Im learning the definitions of English lexical words and mugging about them. Far off... We are learning on the etymology, phonetics yada yada.. I remarked him back, saying that I feel like Im taking more of Math, Science than English during that module; it really is the case... We dun even write essays...

I did not bitch about the above incident for fun.. Today's lesson was on DISCOURSE.. Its a dense word really. (What entails is rather deep. I noted it down just for archiving purposes so its probably best to stop reading henceforth).

Definition of discourse (summarised): the system that a community uses to communicate with each other, based on a common set of assumptions and values. These assumptions and values are reproduced because they are accepted either subconsciously or through assertion of power.

My prof was kind of intrigued with my counter-arguments on the techniques that enabled discourse to spread. We are already indoctrinated with all these assumptions thru media, word-of-mouth, history etc. I was suggesting to prof that if only we can make everything explicit and say "Look here is what's happening", instead of implying everything and basing on other ppl's interpretation, then we can get things done a lot more efficiently. Varied interpretation is one of the shittiest thing this world can ever experience, thus leading to wars, conflicts, nonsense etc..

I really think if not for discourse, there wont be so much misunderstanding on earth. Its a real sinister thing but its there. Be careful ppl.
No wonder we take utopian literature.. The perfect world is not such a boring and bad ideal after all.

When u have found a primary objective, everything else just becomes secondary

I really should not be writing this entry cos I know if I dun get my ass moving, I will be late for class again. And Im on MSN with beth and BitchY so I know Im gonna drag. However, I was just inspired to be write again, and chat..

The title of this post is really apt. For one thing, I remember this quote from last night and I decided to draw on its relevance. There are many things in life we can choose to pursue but we dun want to, either cos we dun feel like it, or maybe cos we have never placed it in our sights due to our primary objective. The primary aim is so focused that it can make ppl become like race-horses wearing blinds during the race; just look forward and go. Apparently, a friend told me that the donkeys have this in their genes, they just walk straight without being distracted by the side happenings. Maybe that's why they are labelled "stupid". Is it really stupid? I thot focus is always something most ppl dun have and its rather intelligent if someone manages to attain it.

Ppl have asked me why I dun make an effort to pursue the things that I do not have. I have thot over that qn too. My favourite rebuttal will be that the need is not there. My second will be that the thing to pursue really do not meet my expectations. Why is the need not there? Why are expectations up in the sky?

I guess the need is not there cos Im too independent and prefer things done solo. Kind of heartening to know that I have a pretty well-knitted social life despite the predilection for solitude. Sounds lame but I really think its true. I dun even mind solo travelling for crying out loud, despite the voiced protests around.

The expectations part is a little tricky here. Personally, I dun expect so much. But there are circumstances that make benchmarks high. For everything...

As said, when u have a primary objective, everything else just becomes secondary and probably even frivolous. To make something un-frivolous, it will require the cause to be worth yr effort (need) and the cause better be something that is worthwhile such that it can blend into yr limited social space and future (Im talkin expectations here, I think this is one revelation for most readers..).

I think ppl are getting lost here. It sounds like a math equation and the stipulated terms are rather misleading but I really have put everything into the best words possible. (Somehow I have a fetish now for misleading ppl and satisfied that I know sth ppl dun.. Sounds malevolent. But in this case, the fetish is not there.. If u dun get it, too bad haha)..

After all this, it appears that Im real practical and pragmatic yada yada. Why dun I just go by my feel-likes.. Yes I admit, things have called for such practicalism. As I was telling one of my buds that day, feel-likes screw ppl's lives cos they hardly think whether their feel-likes meet their need and expectations. Well, maybe its in me all along, all this practicalism, just that I decided to show it more explicitly nowadays. Is that part of growing up? Or is it just that primary objectives have proved a need for such pragmatism to come in? If everyone starts using their brain and pragmatism, then what about the "feel-likes"?

I am done with my post. One unanswered qn? So what the heck will be this primary objective. For one thing I dun really know. Maybe its a blend of many mini-objectives. Furthermore, even if I know, its probably not gonna be known to another for a v long time.

Readers may find this one shitty entry cos they dun seem to understand half of what Im talking about. In that case, ponder on the other half that u guys understand and see what can be drawn on. If it sounds philosophical, cant be helped... The nature of things started with the philosophical question mark anyway. Speaking of Philo, its one subject that is unconsciously screwing me. I haven read that book for a v long time. Missed one lect and gonna miss the one tml cos Im so sick of going for it. Well its on webcast so ya. And the essays due for it dun seem like my cup of tea, at all. Its fun to think of ideas but really irritating to put it into words sometimes. Yet, what is the point of having ideas when u cant communicate them.

Bitten by the Philo bug...Time to walk forward and not stray, again..

What mid-term break??!!

Mid term hell more likely... The last time I checked, I have 4 essays to write (ironically the fifth module, English, is the one that I do not need to write an essay for). Certain elusive tests to study for, and hoping to get a life (or at least some remnants of whatever is left).... All within this mid-term "break".

I dun feel stressed now somehow. I just think everything is piling up so much that I feel more pissed than stressed. Maybe the stress will be the aftershock.. Somehow I have the perception that some of my lecturers think that we are only taking their module, that it is our one and only module... Some of them give me that vibe. Whatever la. I din know year 1 was gonna be so busy.. Funny. Maybe its just the lack of books for company since years ago. Apparently, they have a way of making a comeback, real radically...

Been there, done that..

Had a look at France, got hungry and ate there. (Imagine that in the eyes of Emil, Hammy's brother. I think I kind of resemble Emil wrt his eating habits... OMG!!)

I went to watch "Ratatouille" today.. By myself. Its been a LONG while since I watched a movie by myself. And I just thot that since everybody has watched that show already, or busy, or u know the typical reasons, then I might as well just DIY. I thot of asking those who haven watched to join but Im meeting mom after the show; kind of rush so I still thot DIY is better.

For one thing its a 5-star movie. As u read on, things may not be so 5-starish but I based my current grade in comparison with other cartoon movies, ie Finding Nemo (FN) and Over the Hedge (OTH). The latter two movies are the comparable ones with Ratatouille, probably the only few that can be on par. I believe I will get its DVD when it is released, and gets cheaper :P Its more than just "Anyone can cook"..

I watched at GV Max Vivo. It was a maiden experience. Great legroom (sth like LT11), plush red couch seats with movable handrests for the intimate ones. The screen was obviously bigger and viewers will probably find it more realistic, as if we are watching from our own eye-view compared to the normal screens. The seats kind of vibrate during the exciting parts so it was thrilling.

The graphics of the movie was obviously better than OTH and FN. Well its about time really, since those shows were some time ago. The visible improvements can be seen in the way they drew the water features and food etc..I thot the graphics of the human portrayal can be improved but either way it was still comfortable.

The story was clear and does not lose viewers halfway like certain cartoons. Even Hammy (I think its the protagonist rat's name) and his hallucination of Gateau (I cant spell French for nuts, yet) was believable and not confusing. Some movies tend to overdo it with hallucinations eg Pirates 3 etc. But I thot Rat portrayed it well, maybe cos its a cartoon so things that are fantasty-worldish tend to get accepted by viewers more easily.

Somehow I felt an affinity with Hammy's dilemma on being a chef or a rat, kind of empathise with him but I wont elaborate on that. The twist (if any) wasnt impressive ie to say the story is pretty predictable. Still it is a comfortable and pleasant story, with smooth flow and the cheesy happy ending which I will get to in a while.

A point which I MUST HIGHLIGHT will be the critic's revelation in the end. (I forgot the critic's name, the sinister-looking skinny guy) . I thot of him as the antagonist at first but things did not go that bad. The narrator spoke his speech real fast so I could not catch all of the critic's speech but the speech further concretes the fact that a critic's job, and (especially) the jobs of those that he is criticising, are not easy.....

Rats (basically anything, anyone) deserves a chance to show his or her potential.
Passion and the will to excel vanquishes all odds.

Quite a philosophical show towards the end if u think hard enough. As one of my fren told me "Not some mindless cartoon" which just makes u feel like u paid 7-9bucks to laugh yr guts out (The Simpsons was an exception. I LOVED that too... Lame but loveable).

I will analyse his speech again when I get the DVD. No more pirates.

As I was saying, the ending was a cheesy happy ending. Somehow I have a thing with happy endings. Im no malevolent masochist but it takes more than just a happy ending to make me ace a movie. The ending was really expected. Maybe if they had come up with a more UNEXPECTED happy ending, then I will give it a 5-star without qualms.

One thing I must admit, the action, antics and witty parts are better in Rat than OTH and FN. Maybe its cos I havent watched the other two for a while so the impression is vague. Nonetheless, even if the Rat does not have better action than the other two, it was great travelling around Paris, sewer and all, from the rat's eyes. I have a liking for show that use the animal's perspective as the first person narrator; at least it reminds us that someone (something?) out there besides us has feelings and the right to deserve something better. Ok forget the animal rights rally speech (which I almost embarked on. Phew otherwise it will be another sermon). Basically the action in this movie is good.

Lastly, I wish to touch on the axiom "Anyone can cook". Its pretty heartening that a good fren of mine actually used this axiom as a theme for their camaraderie sessions. Its really high time that ppl make their money's worth in movies and start extracting moral values from any possible analogy in the show. The additional lessons that can be derived from this axiom is emboldened and mentioned before just now so I shant repeat.

Basically its an "idealistic" show that serves as a good motivator and philosophy food-for-thought. I thot of giving it just 4.5 stars for some of its shortcomings but in comparison again, I will give it a 5 anyway, but with room for improvement.

Random

I usually blog nowadays when Im stressed out or sick of seeing my "love".

Its hilarious to see ppl question me on my MSN nick "Im falling in love with the wrong one... My love life is complicated now." Especially when it's coupled with the hot nerdy chick, shown below.

I thot of putting this picture instead (shown below) but I thot it will make me look like a paedophile so I did not put it. Haha..

Basically I just need a girl and books (to represent mugging) so that ppl will be confused with my love life.

I think Im so used to mugging as a new way of life, I can actually learn to love it. (I hope it doesnt happen, but if it does, it better be reversible).

I still miss having a social life (yes, this means that I hardly have one now), watching TV and movies as and when I feel like, without worrying if the next assignment I get will be my best grade attainable. I have been independent more than half my life and Im prepared to stay that way for the next half. That includes not having a social life since I have proved to myself that I can live tt way, for now at least. But it sucks knowing that I hardly know anyone new in school. (To me, knowing someone is to at least be able to hang out and lunch with him/her. Names arent considered as knowing). Things are looking up but its still slow. And the worse thing is, Im hardly doing anything about it. This is stupid rite, giving up a real life for another. Dunno leh, it happens... How ah..

Screw it la. I will rethink my thots once all the exams and tests are over this sem. I hate this little red dot . for making us (me included) into grade-oriented students. I hope that was sufficiently subtle. Enough of the bitching, get on with the loving... Im so making love in bed tonight.... (I meant reading on the bed btw).. Mass screwing (of facts into my head) at work...

So much for practise what you preach..

I have been getting feedback on what to major etc. In the past, I used to believe that in uni, if one does not major what he/ she is interested in, then there's little motivation to carry on and persist in times of mugging. I still uphold this principle, but I just found need to come up with a new principle to account for another problem: What if what u think that you are interested in, is better off learning in yr leisure than to be examined for?

Learning is really fun business and I am still loving it with all my life, but the fact that exams and projects etc are existent really turns ppl off. The amount of effort and stress ppl put thru (Im usually included in this list of ppl) for their "A"s and honours and whatever. Sometimes such paper qualifications just drive people the wrong way. Instead of being used as positive reinforcement to motivate us, it just becomes negative punishment when we dun get them (forgive me if I happen to misuse the psych terms, cos I have yet to read that part).

All and all, at the end of the day, I dun see the love in studying half the time. Exam-oriented is who we are, if u came from a certain red dot on Earth, and most of us will probably just stay as what we have been conditioned to be. I envy the exceptions in this case.

I met a guy from my Philo class today and we had quite a hearty chat. He believed that u must enjoy what you are studying and not be so stressed about things. Honours and "A"s are not what he is aiming for; its the learning processes and fun derived from it all that he is after. He is not pursuing what ppl will call the "most useful subject to major in" but somehow he claims he is doing well. It doesnt take a fat monthly paycheck to make one happy, its finding happiness thru yr experiences. He quoted professors who regretted doing their PhDs and said that they rather have spent the time pursuing their PhD on something they are really passionate for.

As Socrates said: An unexamined life is not a life worth living for....

How's this: A life where yr passion is not fully utilised to its maximum is just leaving room for regrets

It amazes me just reading some of the the things I write amidst studying pressure. It amazes me even more that I somehow do not always follow them. Is it due to conformity to social norms that limits my allegiance to my beliefs or is there more to it? If I can only find more time to stop mugging, maybe I can approach this qn with an open mind...

If only my tutors can see this (especially Philo ones)

I just realised that there are actually short papers to write for Philo. If readers think Im a real slacker for Philo, u guys are darn rite. I really hate it that Im neglecting Philo cos I really love the subject, tutorials, lectures etc. Even the pictures (they look GREAT!!) drawn by the lecturer... I really wish to put in more effort in Philo but the fact that 4 other modules exist dun give me much of a chance. It sounds like some excuse for me to procrastinate for Philo, but I can say with every inch of my soul that I really dun have enough time for things. Its probably time to cut down my social life (which really hardly seems existent anymore), further..

Well its pretty obvious why Philo is taking the brunt of being neglected, cos Im not gonna major it and its more of fulfilling the graduation requirements and my interest. Its pretty irresponsible to say that but that is the case. Im pretty sure that 5 modules is too much, well at least for a 1st semester cos everyone (well at least for myself) is just settling in. 4 is a good balance. However, most ppl wont wanna take 4 cos they wanna graduate on time. Time pressure stifles education!!!

Anyway Im getting frantic over Philo and this notion is not contributing to my aim of an immaculate record. Nonetheless, despite it supposedly being the least of my 5 modules, I shall try to give it my utmost best. After all, Im driven by interest for this subject. Despite the book tested resembling "Othello" (probably cos of the dialogues and the history behind it), it cant be analysed Prac Crit style (Shucks!!). Gotta think further.... Somehow I have never doubted my potential in thinking far and wide, but dunno y leh, Philo just doesnt seem to resonate the same wavelength with me. Maybe its because I think too slowly.. Anyway, I gotta remember to ask Red tutor what the heck Im supposed to do for the "short" (this adjective is correct is one considers 900 words short) paper...

If Socrates was around, he will probably be talking to me now. (PS: Its really sad that ppl did not understand him then. I have my doubts about him being a really intelligent/ insightful man but somehow his qns/dialouges really set ppl thinking. Maybe the ppl then really hated to think about new ideas and contradictions; this supposition probably still remains true for most people)

You can see the stars, if you stare hard enough..

Interesting how a seemingly starless sky can churn out the title.

I was just thinking of how much life seemed to have changed overnight. Let's stay with the ubiquitous academic (I chose this first cos its seems to be the dominant worry and event of my life now) woes. One obvious change and root of all worries: The "A"s dun appear just because you scored 75 marks. The bell curve is gospel and competitors will be the very persons sitting next to you.

Had high tea at Equinox today for Mom's second bday celeb. Some pics follow:


Its really been a while since I chilled my whole weekend away.. Had a 21st bday celeb with ZQ on saturday as well..

I was just looking at some old pictures (well they aint that old, rather recent in fact) and had quite a fuzzy feeling. I still enjoy the things I used to do equally much, but its just v pek cek when u really wanna do them yet cannot afford the time cos u gotta mug or just got too many things to take care of. Growing up sounds really tough...with all the added on responsibilities.

Well anyway Im hardly feeling depressed over this, just commenting on some thots. Stress and woes are really not such difficult enemies once u see the silver lining. As the title goes, "You can see the stars, if you stare hard enough". When responsibilities become part of yr goals, things just dun seem so demoralising anymore.

Just more happenings (probably better said as update)

I cant even find a decent title for this entry and thus the stated title..

Besides the party I went to last nite, things are just school-ish thru n thru.

I finally got to see my Psych tutor and I must say, he looks like FRODO from LOTR!! Some Briton with a real heavy accent. We did experiments that involved rubber hands and rubbing of noses. (Ask me for the details..) I was expecting him to go thru the term paper qns cos they were really hard but he did not. Forget it, looks like I will have to overstretch my brain then, again. Somehow I hardly said a single word for that lesson's class participation, which is VERY unlike me. I contribute and say the lots of stuff for my other tutorials but not for his. Its sad rite.. Dunno why leh.. See how it goes next even week.

Then there's the weekly Eng tut. I contributed in class as usual but I got more than just a "Yes, thats what it is" from answering the tutor.
==> Apparently, some gal from my class asked the tutor a qn, and the tutor asked the class to contribute and answer her query. I happened to be the first to comment and the tutor was satisfied with my answer. I thot tt was it. Strangely, the whole class was scratching their heads over my answer and requested that I paraphrased it. Ok I probably spoke too fast as usual so I went slower. After the paraphrase, I still hear "huhs" and see ppl scratching their heads!! Then I hear whispers of my name and ppl just started calling me to explain my answer to them again. After my explanation to them personally, one at a time, they finally got it! And the look in their eyes was like "Hey he is the guy with the quirky yet correct answer"...

OMG!! So embarrassing..... Much as I love English lessons, I never did ask for such attention. I dun even noe if ppl will remember me cos my answer was good, or cos it was so quirky that I gotta explain time and again to them individually when they asked me.. Well somehow the tutor understood and liked it. Guess its just some time lag before the rest got to appreciate it too.

Then there's the essay... I so desperately wanna get a good grade for my first writing essay. And I really think I know what Prof wants, thus I worked pretty hard for this essay. The essay was due for conferencing on Friday at 9a.m. And I only got my peer edits at like 6pm. Then I went to crash NTU with a friend and reached home only at 12; after which I chionged the essay till 2+ (Ok it's my own doing, and I shld have came home earlier to be a nerd). Anyway I chionged it till 2+ and I really couldnt feel the brain juice moving anymore thus the sleep till 730 where I rushed to school and submitted it.

The worse thing was after submission of the essay at 9, I was so beat I took a bus home again to sleep.. (Piggish instinct, hardly controllabe) and woke at 1230 for the next lesson which starts at 2. Some of the silly acts of desperation which amazes me... I thot of skipping the 2pm lesson, cos there will be a webcast but I had more than just lessons to go to, thus I went to school anyway.

After the 2pm lesson, I met my writing mod prof (the prof who I was rushing work for), along with some other classmates for a gathering. So cool to have a mthly gathering. So we talked about things, general knowledge and all. The vibes of intelligence really exudes from profs..

Then I attended Choon Huat's party. Its really thoughtful of him to seat me with his friends so I wont be a lonely soul there. And its really great that there is a KTV room in his condo. The cake was durian (sinfully good!) and yeah the ppl were cool. Then we dunked him into the pool, after much deliberation cos we did not know how to get him out of the room. Anyway we did it. I must say the pool looked deceivingly deep.

I just recalled that I gotta take driving lessons soon, cos my next test is, I think December. I cant even recall the bloody date cos Im not looking forward to it. Never did like driving, especially with some guy next to me, ocassionally ranting away. Anyway if I dun get it thru this time, I probably will wait till late next year. The license is a sickening piece of reward dangling high up, which Im compelled to work for. But with it comes great power.. Muhahahahaha..

Well there're more details but I think this entry is becoming too long for an update. Even I am getting tired trying to squeeze out memories. Back to psych now...